What Matters is the Journey

I am empowered. I am happy. I am at peace.

Not much bothers me these days. Worry, something which I’ve been so good at for most of my life, I now see as utterly pointless.  It’s a cliche, but it really does feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I embrace life as I never have before. This is not due to some rational thought process. I didn’t think, "Oh, I have cancer, I’d better enjoy life while I can." My euphoria is not the result of a conscious decision. It just happened, all of its own accord. It’s not on a time line and it’s not a matter of enjoying life until it ends. Life has nothing to do with beginning or ending. Life is now.

NEWS FLASH :: THESE FLOWERS HAVE BEEN IDENTIFIED AS DIANTHUS DELTOIDES. THANK YOU, MISSY STEVENS - VISIT MISSY's WEBSITE TO SEE HER GORGEOUS "THREAD PAINTINGS." 

Suddenly, shamanism is everywhere. A friend lets me know she practices shamanism and offers to facilitate a journey for me, an offer which I gratefully accept. Another friend sends me an invitation to a shamanistic ritual taking place in town. The library offers an evening of drumming and shamanism. I think this is all synchronicity. 

Out of the blue, I decide to wear lipstick. I’ve never been a lipstick sort of girl, but now I decide I will wear lipstick for every day of my first six weeks of treatment. And not just any lipstick ... I decide to wear red lipstick. This small decision feels meaningful to me. Within days of making this decision, I receive an order from Amazon. I unpack the box, checking my four items against the receipt. But there is still one more item in the box. I didn’t order it and it’s not listed on the receipt. It’s a shiny new tube of very red lipstick. Synchronicity.

At the very beginning of this cancer trip, an incredibly beautiful hawk showed up in my daily activities. It first introduced itself to me by swooping above my car, just slightly to the left of the driver side, so I could easily see it as it accompanied me up the hill I take to reach home. I immediately recognized this bird as a manifestation of a spirit animal, or a spirit guide, and s/he has shown up on several occasions since that first day. 

The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.  - Maya Angelou

When I awoke from my journey with the shaman, I was startled to see this odd branch in the woods. It was a message telling me my spirit guide, the one with the awesome wing span, had visited and left behind this image of her/himself. The hawk spirit guide is associated with intuition, victory, healing, nobility, recollection, cleansing, visionary power, and guardianship. Sounds good to me. 

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I THINK MY SPIRIT GUIDE VISITED MY WOODS ... 

Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are.  - Rachel Naomi Remen

IT’S STILL MY OWN HAIR ...

Long overdue

SWEET FELTED WOOL BIRD FROM CORINNE

So much in my life is "long overdue."  In fact, I started writing this in March of 2014 and then I put it aside, so even this blog post is long overdue. Partly it's because I procrastinate. Partly it's because once I get behind, it can be very difficult to catch up.  I think I've mentioned before that I was hit with a major depression several years back. During that time when I was so thoroughly depressed, I accomplished just about nothing. Things piled up. Things were left undone. I'm not sure I'll ever get out from under it all!  It gets easier, of course, the further I get from the depression.  But the thing is, even though I am WAY BETTER than I was, I'm not sure I'll ever feel ALL better.  And I have to guard against that little piece of me that still is raggedy, because it would be all too easy to succumb.

"My depression is the most faithful mistress I have known ... no wonder, then, that I return the love."  -Søren Kierkegaard

I want to "fix" a few of the long overdue things that were lost in the haze of the last several years.  Particularly, I'd like to say thank you to some friends in Web Land.  So many people have sent me little packages of love, I'd like to share some of those gifts here. So, today I am thanking: Cathy, Cecilia, Corinne, Debra, India, Jackie, Jody, Kim, and Mary.

AWESOME PINCUSHION FROM DEBRA GANGELHOFF AT MANITOBAGIFTS

KIMONO SCRAPS FROM JODY MELLENTHIN AND MARY STANLEY, also known as ART SPIRIT

SUCH A SWEET HEART FROM CECILIA GALLUCCIO OF BURNED FURNITURE

EXTRAORDINARY ECO-DYE FROM INDIA FLINT

A FELT BROOCH FROM JACKIE CARDY

MAGICAL BOOK  FROM KIM CAPAN, WHO BLOGS AT ILOVESAMPLERS

STUNNING STITCHWORK BY CATHY CULLIS

I dread the possibility that I am totally forgetting some wonderful, generous Webland friend. It seems inevitable that I probably am. Whoever you are, please forgive me. xo

THREE MESMERIZING WATERCOLORS FROM CATHY CULLIS

INCREDIBLE, WHIMSICAL, WONDERFUL BEADS, FROM CRISTINA, FORMERLY OF THE LONG-LOST BLOG "THREADING FORWRD" AND MORE RECENTLY OF THE DORMANT BLOG "REALM OF INSPIRTION" - CRISTINA, IF YOU’RE OUT THERE, PLEASE GET IN TOUCH!

Also in the long overdue category is the way I treat my health. Not sure why I don't seem to truly learn that it is best to get things looked at sooner, rather than later. Probably the most glaring example was when I had colon cancer, and in my soul of souls, I knew it, but I didn't go to the doctor until I was practically a dishrag, barely able to sit up straight and talk about my symptoms.  Would you like to know what kind of logic I was using, in allowing myself to put off going to the doctor? Here it is: Colon cancer is a very slow growing cancer, therefore I can wait. Seriously! I did not think: Colon cancer is a very slow growing cancer, therefore I can catch it early and get rid of it. Nooooo. Sometimes, I’m an idiot. But we can dwell on that some other time. For now, let’s enjoy the magical gift called LIFE. 

A BUMPER STICKER, FROM MARY STANLEY, PINNED TO MY STUDIO WALL.

Dear 65

Dear 65,

I'm sorry I've treated you with so little respect. You had so much to offer and I just took you for granted. I should have appreciated how lucky I was to have you. Instead, I belittled you and embarrassed you, just to make a joke. I called you my Medicare Year, as if that were all you meant to me. Now, as I approach 66, I realize what a gift you are. 

We have so little time now, but I’ll treat you well for the few hours we have left together. And, hey, I hope it’s not bad luck to say this a wee bit ahead of time, but thank you for carrying me all the way to 66. I truly appreciate it. I only hope 66 will be as kind to me as you were. At least as kind to me as you were for most of the year, mother fucker.